Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
50% drunk capacity currently
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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