My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
