I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
