I can text with my tongue
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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