I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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