I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
