if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
