This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Houston, we have a squirter
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
