I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
