I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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