i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
