last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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