K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
