She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
All I want is dick and wine.
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