im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
