allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
