I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
