I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
