That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
