The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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