There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
