Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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