after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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