My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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