There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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