Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
