I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
