you traded sex for a burrito?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
