There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
