i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
