I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The struggles of a small town man whore
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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