Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
