If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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