i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
