she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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