toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
