Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
