How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
