Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
