Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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