I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
