did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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