and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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