i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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