Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
