Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
