i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
