I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
