I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
