we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
