How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
