You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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